Maternity Leave

That's it! Work is finished completely for 9-10 months, cannot believe it!

It was getting unbearably hot at work so am definately glad I didn't leave it any later, round this time of year they seem to forget that we actually still need aircon due to the sheer amount of people and the low bright lights (either that or I'm giving them more credit than they're worth and the idiots are heating the place).

I will miss the guys - get a final goodbye next week with our staff Christmas Dinner, my also-pregnant collegue who's having twins will hopefully come too and it'll be brilliant to see her.

Ixxy hits 'full-term' at 37 weeks, which is actually in just 2 weeks time. Anytime after that he or she should be born safely without any complications whatsoever - in fact, most babies born after 35 weeks have no problems either.

I have a crib now and plenty of bedding so that's good, my house has exploded with pre-washing nappies (I have the 27 in total and at least 55 inserts and boosters). I felt oddly compelled to put up my Christmas tree (must be some form of nesting), probably due to leaving work and the fact that in work it's already Christmas.

I'm still seeing a diabetic doctor every thursday, and my consultant every fortnight on a friday *sigh*, my liver results were brilliant this week and blood sugar remains consistant. Baby is measuring averagely and could possibly be 5.5lbs by this fridays scan - I have no evidence really of gestional diabetes and it's something I do quite wish they'd stop monitering. I don't mind the pricked finger, I just don't want a labour where I'm 'high risk' heavily monitered, don't have the added option of a waterbirth and the general restraint. I'm convinced there's nothing wrong with me.

Ixxy has just finished another round of hiccups. He/She remains head down and it's highly unlikely to move to breech at this stage - so that's one less thing to worry about.

Ordered carseat today also - am looking at getting a tumble dryer.

That's about everything, I'm glad I can stop feeling sorry for my Irish customers as their economy slumps into the depths...never to re-emerge.
I feel a little smug.
Must be an English thing.

Nappy Selection

Ageeeees ago I talked about the reusable nappies. I have finally finished buying and am just waiting on some of these arriving :-)

I absolutely love them, they make me stupidly happy.

November's here and I've got a 4lbs baby!

So, my October Needle Count came to a total of 77, I believe. Though that is taking into account my approximately 49 finger jabs that measured that blood sugar. About 10 of the larger needle were mis-inserts which had missed me veins but they also counted.

So, i've been admitted to hospital again for a brief spell of whatever is supposedly wrong with me. All of my results partially match some conditions but never entirely, it's annoying.
Still, I don't appear to have diabetes at this stage (which is very good) although the levels of sugars in my blood have gone up, I tried to explain that this is because i've been living off cake and shloer for the past week (well since my birthday) and have taken to eating coco-pops for breakfast. It'll go down when I stop doing this i.e. the sugary food runs out. I really am quite sick of sugar generally, but don't really have anything else to eat...

My birthday was rather nice, my aunts came over from England and there was a little get together of family and friends from work. We had a tremendous cake:



and I got lots of presents for me and the baby :). I organised a stunning 3 competitions for lucky guests to win 'baby-themed soap'. One was 'guess the sex, weight and date' which obviously the winner will not be known until after B-Day. Then there was 'drink 3 liquid oz of coke out of a baby bottle' which proved very difficult, it was won by my brother but this may be due to a lack of willing participants. 'Guess my Girth' was the last one where everyone guessed how wide I was in inches over my bump. I was 43" I believe, the nearest (and also the smallest guess) was 40", even I had guessed 48, and some had near 60!

I'm also getting very close to finishing work, where doubtless I will gravitate with biscuits onto my sofa and watch The Jeremy Kyle Show. I'm starting to get tired in the day again, and even short walks leave me pretty breathless (baby sits soooo high).

Realistically, babies born after this time usually thrive with little complications, so that's good to know! Still, better to keep him/her nice and safe until he/she is completely ready for the huuuuge world awaiting them. My family is being tremendously supportive and wonderful.

Will update soon, am monitering blood sugar this week also just to keep an eye, but all seems well :)

10 weeks to go!

Somehow, I appear to have made it through 3/4 of pregnancy!

Suddenly the appointments are picking up steam - I have to go to the Diabetic clinic this week after my second GTT came back with basically the same result as last time. Ever so sliiiightly high blood sugar, 8.5 and 8.3. I haven't really let this bother me too much, as nothing is definitive yet and realistically the risk of actually having diabetes after my pregnancy appears minimal (5% of people with Gestional Diabetes).

Still, I don't really know what to expect. I'm probably going to have to moniter my blood sugar myself for a while to see if I can keep it in check, but since no one has advised me to change my diet yet (which I might add, was a pretty good diet) I did go a bit wild in waste this week and may have overinduldged in sugary things in preparation for going without. Hopefully this will not effect any of my results on thursday, and the only sugary items left now are apples which I doubt will have a dramatic effect.

Sugary sugar isn't really my poison, starchy sugar (mainly potatoes) is going to be what I'd find hardest to say no to. I only drink water at home, and to be honest I'd rather go completely without soft drinks than drink their diet alternatives (which are absolutely disgusting, I feel as though the aspartine burns off my taste buds) so that's not an issue at least.

Something else that's bothering me a little is my 'pending gallstones'. I know they're there, ready to pop up within the next 10 years or so and cause me a lot of distress. Grandma had hers at just 29, whereas Dad had his at 46 and Grandad has only had them recently in his 70s. It's a horrible family illness to have hanging over (though admittedly no where NEAR as bad as any form of cancer) simply because it's meant to be one of the most painful things you can exprience; worse than childbirth. My Gallstones are more than likely 'Pigment stones' because I have absolutely no issues with my blood pressure or cholesterol. I don't even eat enough red meat to fill my 'recommended amount' and never add salt to anything (other than chips, obviously). So, I'm pretty sure that in my upcoming years I'll get the joy that is having my galbladder operated on/removed :-(

I have another appointment with a consultant next week, as well as my 31 week Midwife check-up with Crazy Eyes (they always book my appointment at exactly the same time, on the same day - making sure I get her). I mostly forgave her last time since she had been remarkable nice to me when I was in hospital and didn't make any unfair/rash judgements.

Lastly, my spine feels like an inflexible broom handle and I have a strong desire to munch of some sponges.

Antenatal Class and Blood Reviews

I'll start with my thursday night class.

It was absolutely fantastic, really interesting and well run and got me to think alot more about things like my back, my pelvic floor muscles and my posture. Everyone (except one lady due in November) had fairly similar sized bumps. I would describe them as 'cutely pregnant'. At the stage where it's pretty obvious you've got a baby, as well as a handy shelve for the tv remote and biscuits, but not ballooning out of proportion and looking like there's an airship bay where your stomach once was.

Most of us weren't suffering many aches at this stage (perhaps with me as an exception - who had severe burning liver pain for a couple of weeks) however I did not mention my virus due to not really being 100% sure they'd have let me be in a room full of pregnant women.

But the amount of aches and pains described and coping stageries didn't fill me with hope. I can currently sleep brilliantly with my 5 foot pillow and other pillows propping me up, I'm not doing this to relief pain - it's just the most comfortable position to lie in. I really don't want to get to the stage she described about having to sleep with your hands 'in a neutral position' to 'stop them aching and swelling', that doesn't sound like a restful slumber to me.

I think I was the youngest there. One other lady and her man were questionable but I appointed her the age of 23 in the end - everyone else was 'mummy-aged' between 27 and 35 I'd say, and all (with the exception of the two VBAC women) with their first baby.
I think my skin gives me away. It has never had any age. It's always been quite plump, pale and flawless - hell, I don't even have to wash my face and it looks great (though washing improves it). I feel grateful for my young, stretchy, flesh at this stage - trust me.

Ixxy didn't pay much attention, but rather shuffled about impatiently, kicked me in the bits and hiccuped repeatedly. Basically it's regular patterns of movement when I'm trying to focus on anything.

Next week promises to be more exciting - we've getting birthing balls and positions and looking at vag.

In other news I saw my (rather attractive) consultant today who was reviewing me blewds, (not all 15 or so vials taken this week, just my glucosey dodgy blood). My results are borderline but no one knows if this is because of of my crazy liver with it's crazy liver virus (which is no longer Hep A) and the lack of processing power - OR because I'm borderline for gestational diabetes. I don't think I should be, I've generally been eating rather well and I'm still 3lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight - but either way they are monitering it and hopfully when my results from the 2nd GTT come back it'll all be fine.
He also confirmed it was definately not Hepitisis I had but some unknown virus, that chances are they will never know what it was, because of this I am written out of work till next week at least and have yet MORE blood to be taken on wednesday to keep an eye on my liver function (it's useful when your liver works). This will bring me up to 17 needles penetrating my flesh in less than 2 weeks - a personal best.

I have a digital camera now. Possibly expect pictures in the next installment.

Hospital Admission

I've gone over this story so many times now that I've decided just to write up my 'hospital bullet points' that I scribbled down on the back of a 'get well soon' card. Here goes:

30/09/10

- I last ate a meal midday on the 29th of September, in the early hours of the morning I started to regutate liquids too.
- I suffered and tried to rest for the entire day, my last attempt to eat was breakfast but it became apparent that being starving hungry was much more comfortable.
- Rang the midwives at 18:00 and they suggested I come in. It was presumed I had a kidney infection or bad UTI but because I was in Ketosis and unable to eat they felt it best that they admit me.
- I was admitted by 19:00 and had an IV drip fitted after the 4th attempt due to my 'bad veins'.
- Was given paracetamol tablets (like that's going to help)
- Was started on IV Antibotics for my assumed infection. Was told that would relief the pain quickly but it had basically no affect.
- I managed to drink (with mild pain) 3 jugs of water by morning and got through 2 IVs.

01/10/10

- Urine showed I was still in Ketosis so was put onto my 3rd IV and had an attempt at eating breakfast (two slices of toast)
- Given 2nd dose of anti-botics
- Had dull throbbing pain for a couple of hours, finished my 3rd IV and because my fluids had improved I was taken off the drip.
- Severe pain started, started vomitting so recieved the rather brutal anti-sickness injection (painful, horrid injection in my thigh).
- Continued being violently sick anyway until all contents of my stomach (liquid and toast) were out.
- Ketosis got worse again since I could no longer drink. I went back on IV.
- Recieve liquid paracetamol into my veins for pain relief (much better than tablets)
- Ate a single slice of white bread of lunch.
- Pain starts up again
- Consultant comes to see me. I get moved to my own room but am desperate for pain relief.
- Receieve a second anti-sickness injection, which is painful and doesn't stop me being violently sick. They also have the effect of making you feel a bit drugged and woozy.
- Doctor comes down and authorises that I get pethedine for the pain.
- Eventually (after 4 hours) the pain subsides and the drugs knock me out for a bit.
- I'm given a steriod injection in my bum for babies lung development since they aren't sure if whatever is wrong with me will cause premature labour or they will have to get the baby out.
- 7 or 8 vials of blood taken for testing.
- Results at midnight show abnormal liver functions
- They stop the anti-botics after my 4th dose
- 5 more vials of blood taken.

02/10/10

- Next set of bloods show my liver abnormalities appear worse.
- Am able to drink again. I come off the IV...again.
- Liver specialist in belfast contacted.
- I wisely turn down breakfast and lunch.
- Doctor scans baby and finds it weights approximately 2lbs
- Even with drinking I'm still in Ketosis
- I go down to ultrasound and have a detailed scan of my liver, kidneys and galbladder
- I am told the most likely cause of my symptoms is Hepatitis A or a viral Hepatitis. I also have small galstones but they aren't causing a problem.
- I start drinking milk and slowly introduce rich teas.
- Keytones finally start improving.
- I ate my first proper meal of mash, beans and stuffed bacon roll.
- Before midnight I am completely out of ketosis and only have a very mild pain which subsides with a bath.
- I'm given a 2nd Steriod injection just to finish the course.
- Move rooms again and am informed that i'll be kept in till monday.

03/10/10

- 4 more vials of blood taken to check my liver function.
- Am able to eat and drink normally and continue to be completely out of ketosis
- High levels of glucose now found in my urine, but it's probably caused by the steriod injection.
- Liver function has improved
- Drink 7ltrs of water and am told to stop. Feel tired and a bit out-of-it all day probably due to the steriod.
- It's worth mentioning also, that this was a very, very, boring day.

04/10/10

- I get to go home about midday. I have to call in on wednesday for a blood sugar series (which on wednesday turned into another GTT...yuck) and a meeting with a consultant on friday. I also have a 28 week midwive appointment on tuesday and anti-natal classes on thursday...so um...busy week!

I hope this is temporary

Now offically third trimester, but am having a few problems.

I'm getting severe pain lasting between 3-5 hours at a go. It starts with breathlessness, then it's joined by a throbbing back, stomach pains and heartburn.

Nothing makes the pain subside. Gavison does nothing and since I am unable to focus on breathing (I can't take deep breathes) I don't really have a coping strategy. Usually the pain builds up till about the 3.30 - 4 hour mark then becomes pretty much unbearable. At this stage I usually shut my eyes and rock back and forth, or start pacing around the house. I have tried baths for pain relief also, lying down and even sitting down seem to make it worse at this stage.

After that I'm sick (which always seems to help) and gradually the pain slows down before completely stopping.

It's the backpain that's the worse, I can cope pretty well with heartburn and whatever else comes my way but the back pain is relentless.

Midwives and doctors seem to think the back pain is just skeletal, but I only have it during these episodes so I don't see how that can be the case. The baby often moves about and shifts during the pain so it's clearly not just a posistion that it's lying in.

:( I've tried keeping my fluids up and my urine doesn't show any signs for concern (although its burnt orange). I've lost about 3 pounds over the last few days just by being sick and not eating very much (I'm scared to eat because I never know if that'll set me off).

I take it this is all some sort of pretty bad acid reflux, but its so hard to cope when nothing eases the pain and I can't even lie down. Sucks that I've had such a good pregnancy so far and then this greets me for the 3rd tri...

Glucose Tolerance Test

I think I should write up on the GTT and how it went really in case anyone was wondering.

I set my alarm for 07.30am, thinking of getting to bed around 10 - when I ended up chatting online to Faye. We did the skype, I found a black-and-white webcam (which has been utterly destroyed by my ex-boyfriend who unsucessfully tried to turn it into an infrared camera) and we talked on the phone at the same time. Somehow much time passed and I didn't end up in bed till (predictably) about midnight. Oh well.

It's worth a mention because it's such a horrible test. My appointment was at 08.30am, so I walked round to the hospital feeling exceptionally tired, when I got there I found outpatients completely empty and I got seen immediately.

My nurse was lovely and thoroughly overshadowed the cruelness of Crazy-Eyes from the day before. She took blood out of my hand as I requested (I love it when they do that and don't make a fuss about it. I know it's more painful than regular blood extraction but I still perfer it) then handed me an entire bottle and a cup of Lucozade.

I am not a lucozade fan. At at half eight in the morning after being unable to eat or drink since the night before it was a hell of a shock to the system. Drinking it was a struggle and I was very nearly sick about half way through. I then proceeded to feel faint, dizzy then sick again. My blood sugar was easily settled within the two hours of waiting though (I actually fell asleep in the waiting room after an energy drink!) and I had my second blood test at 09.45 before leaving.

I knew I had work at 6 that evening and since I still felt shattered I went home and slept for a few more hours.

If there's anything dodgy in the results then I'll be contacted, if not, I probably won't.

Next appointment is back with the midwives on the 4th of October (28 week appointment) fingers crossed I get some different ones this time.

25 Weeks Appointment (My Nemesis Lazy-Eye Midwife)

Much like my 16 week appointment my 25 week went astondingly quickly. I was seen as soon as I arrived (10 mins early) and my appointment was over well before my actual appointment time.

I knew there was something significant about 25 weeks - the maternity leave forms and the HIP grant.

So after they measured me and checked babies heartbeat (I measure 24 weeks but apparently that's all good) they asked if I had any problems - the answer being yes I had severely painful trapped wind last week for about 3 days, but it's passed now.

So I asked was there something about forms I got at this appointment, and they said they'd run out of HIP grant forms but that I could get it next time. Not the news I wanted, as that money would really be quite useful now, but I tried to put on a brave face and get on with it.

Then, the main midwife (whom I've seen about 3 times and get just a little taste that she's not that keen on me. She has a lazy eye that's just lazy enough that you can't work out if she's giving you eye contact but subtle enough so that you don't immediately notice) then flippantly mentions the Mat1blahblah form but I don't need that because I don't work.

To which I retorted (feeling a little offended) - Yes. I do have a job.

I'm sorry? I can't think of ANY real reason you would make that assumption. Just because I could do with £190 doesn't mean I'm unemployed! - Hell, I know a LOT of people with jobs that could always damn well do with £190. The only other reason I can think of is that they can both painly see my date of birth on their computer and am assuming that I don't work because I'm 20. That obvious bothers me more, but both reasons still make me feel like I'd unjustly been given a label of some sort going in there today. Was it wrong of me to ask about an awesome grant to give me free money? Does that make me unemployed? No it bloody doesn't.

I'm also left wondering to myself, if I hadn't asked about the grant and the forms would they have mentioned it? My employer NEEDS that form, quite in advance. It's a darn good job I'd read up about all this before hand, I feel so ill informed.

To top off my appointment, I mentioned that I had a glucose tolerance test booked (probably for around 28 weeks) and could they check the date for me. I got this really scolding answer about how it was my responsiblity and that I should've written it down. I'm sorry? The doctor HAD my appointment card, printed me off all the blur - forgive me for making the simple assumption that the date was on that paperwork! Why would it not be? I'm not even sure if I HAD been given the date.

Surely it's better that I ask now so that I don't waste the hospitals time by missing it or am I missing something here?

Anyway, took them quite a while to find it (which I am grateful for) so I waited in the waiting room. Turns out my GTT is TOMORROW, at 8.30am, SO glad I asked. Could've sworn it was in October!

So I'll not be eating past midnight tonight or tomorrow morning, hopefully everything'll be grand and I'll get a much nicer nurse/doctor to cheer me up about my care. I haven't had any problems with anything so I'm quitely confident that I'll show up as not having gestational diabetes - but you never know, better to have the test and know what's going on

Anyway. Rant over. :P

Viable, Ducks on the walls and pH tests

My large kicking tummy now contains a human being that could be saved if he or she was born. I have a fundal placenta (at the top) which is great, a strong cervix which no issues/leaking fluid, I'm immune to Rubella (at least mostly) and I still don't appear to be heavier than my pre-pregnancy self. All seems well.

I've made a rather sad decision to rehome my cats. For many reasons, but the main is that I am not really giving them any time and I doubt i'll be able to sort out jabs etc this year. They deserve to be with people who can give them attention and a better level of care.

Ixxy's father came round and finished the nursery, so I now have some lovely humming/whistling ducks on the wall. There's also a couple of mysterious moon-walking ones. Still have no idea how his relationship with the baby will be, it's impossible to know at this stage but we are having basically a 3-month break in communication so that he can settle back into his new home/university and not have to worry, and so that I can get on with planning the future for myself.

I've heard you can get a gender predictor which is urine based and natrually this intrigued me. After a bit of google-research I discovered the test worked simply because it was a Ph strip. Well, I stroked my imaginary beard and decided I would do a little expriement to see if this was accurate.
Of course, I have no idea what gender Ixxy is, that's why it's called Ixxy - so the proof will be in the pudding or in this case the birth.
Supposedly, from as little at 10 weeks the pH of your urine will be akaline or acidic depending on the gender of your child (sounds crazy but bear in mind these are sold for about £40 in America and I find it hard to believe that it's JUST 50/50). Blue/Green is Akaline which is Boy and Orange/Yellow is Acidic which is Girl. It maybe that it's only supposed to work between weeks 10 and 20 but because no upper limit is given I'm going to grab a bunch of pH tests and see if I can get varied results, if I can't then I'll have a 'pH prediction'.

That's all for now, have been in a lot of pain recently so hoping the midwife can tell me more on that, appointment is on Tuesday.

22 Weeks

It appears I've got into the habit of just reading other peoples blogs again and forgetting to actually blog myself, July was alright but August isn't looking so good with a pitiful 2 posts.

So what's happening?
Ixxy is now about a pound in weight, and is 11 or so inches long. This week the kicking became a lot more precise and very strong. For the first time I put my hand on my tummy and felt a kick with my hand. So for Dad's expecting babies I imagine this is a very special time :-)

The smallest baby that ever survived was born at 22 weeks and it's amazing to think that my baby is that age now and becomes offically 'viable' next week, coupled with the fact that I don't really look very pregnant and that no stranger would think I even was.

In order to save money (funds are running stupidly low) I'm now walking to work and back from work when it's still light. I'm attempting to get more hours and perhaps a second job just to get me through until December when the tax credits, maternity pay, child benefit and grants all kick in (and I finish paying for my TV licence). This suits me at the moment since apart from leaky boobs and baby boots I have no other aliments and I feel great and full of energy. I'm also trying to go swimming once a week.

My whole family finally knows about my pregnancy which I'm very happy about. They have all been really supportive and it makes me very grateful to have them.

My repeat scan is on Tuesday, so all being well and me being bothered I'll write up another blog then. Me and presumed Father of Ixxy are meeting for coffee on monday, and I shall leave you with his wise words:

"Baby's are a bit boring at the beginning, like the start of diablo 2."

20 Week Scan

Well, I'd given baby some very clear instructions not to be so kicky when it'd started this morning, but to save it's energy for the ultrasound scan.

It seems our relationship is already off to a rocky start, Ixxy didn't listen to a word I said and decided to have a little snooze.

I wouldn't have minded if the position he or she had choosen was a good one, so the sonographer could get a good look - but baby was curled into a tight little ball with it's legs crossed - showing no intention whatsoever of moving.

As a result the sonographer rebooked the scan for two weeks time ad advised me to drink more or a frizzy drink before coming in next time. *Sigh*

Already a stubbon little thing and only halfway through gestation!

New and Interesting things

Where to start? I have a baby inside me and my hormones and my body are doing very wierd things.

My hypersensitive sickness is still awful. I get sick just going into my bathroom now and I know it really needs a clean (but the thought of cleaning it also makes me sick). People smoking also makes me close to puking and I honestly don't know why, it has just grossed me out all of a sudden. I still find it difficult to brush my teeth in the morning as that makes me sick, so just aim to do it midday.

Since week 16 I have been feeling interesting motions in my belly which feel like Ixxy doing a backflip, not like any other sensation you get in your tummy really. Then just in the last few days the movements have become frequent and distinct, lots of swirling about and kicking I think but it is a very strange feeling that I'm not entirely sure I like. It's ok when I'm at home and getting all maternal, but at work it makes me feel really odd. I went swimming today and it was like the baby was swimming as well, huge amount of movement.

Other interesting things, I got a random nosebleed for no reason (because of all the extra blood in my body apparently that can easily burst a little artery in my nose) I don't think I've ever just had a nosebleed start, unless I got hit in the nose.

Back seems a bit better than last week (where being on my feet for half an hour became extremly painful), bloating/loss of appetite has re-emerged, but not as bad as before.

And yesterday morning I woke up (after having funny pains in my breasts) to find little crispy patches on my nighty. I thought nothing of it, but about ten minutes ago I found new wet patches and discovered that my left breast in leaking. It's hilarious, but also means that this breast will likely produce more milk (I have about 4 times the number of montgomery tubercles on that breast and it appears to be ever so sliiightly larger) and that I'll be leaking it in very large amount by week 30 or so...so I'll have to wear breastpads in my bra.

Can't believe I'm lactating already, what possible good can that do? Will be cool if I can donate breastmilk through, if this is an indication that I will be making lots. I'm quite fasinated by it really, hope baby likes the yummy milk that my boobs can't wait to give it!

The Question of Dad

After a week off work (extremely thankfully missing our 2nd busiest day of the year, start of insane summer sale) and a week in the company of Annie and with her help - I have painted all the walls of the nursery! Yay! So it's a spring/mint green with a white rail that runs through the middle at the moment, ceiling got a little bit painty but nothing on the carpet and no other overlaps (we put down cellotape, which seemed the answer to all problems...but we discovered if left for more than two days it leaves the wall with a sticky residue).

During this time Ixxy's Dad/father/co-creater returned from a month-long holiday in
Australia with his girlfriend, during which time I made no attempt to contact him (because I'm trying to be mature and respectful about the whole thing) but he did send a couple of support messages which made me feel at ease and reassured me that I wasn't completely alone in all this. I also got the dates of return wrong and rang him 4 days before he got home at 5.45am Australia time (oops!) but aside from that all was well.

His girlfriend (as is completely understandable) wants him to have nothing to do with me but knows the story and appears to have forgiven us both after this sorry mess started. We have been in a vague sort of contact (which has been as adults and not a slagging match) and think we have made an effort to understand each other, which is probably key to sorting out just how involved said man should be.

I suppose I don't see how you can continue to both, stay with the love of your life, knowing that you not only were unfaithful but also made a baby with someone else whilst staying involved with your long-term ex-girlfriend and have a decent, friendly relationship with both her and your spawn.

But I'm hoping that somehow, both are possible. I finally made up my mind this week that I actually don't really want to weedle back in with my ex, it doesn't really achieve anything. Even if we were a 'couple' he'd still be studying in London and probably see Ixxy as much as if he was an absent father in a relationship with someone else. Even when we casually talked about perhaps seeing each other again we were both in complete doubt and the conversation went round in circles. I think the conclusion was something like 'for the good of mankind we should be a relationship and not meet other people' or something equally bizare.

Anyway, just thought I'd give a quick blog about him. He may or may not decide to be involved as yet, depends if he can keep up all this and a relationship. I'll hear soon, hopefully everything will be well and Ixxy will at least know about his or her father, and maybe a step-mum one day too. :-)

Annie is here! + Panics

I'm very happy that my loneliness and over-emotionalness has been lifted on the arrival of one of my best friends - who is brilliantly staying with me for the week :-)

Today was a typical Annie and Emma day, we had hot chocolate, ate sausages and watched lots of computer tele. She was knackered from her flight and I was a little bit breathless just from the walk so it was good to have a day of just relaxing before the nursery painting starts tomorrow.

Of course, usually there is a problem when me and Annie meet up. I'm either ill or have no money and today was no exception. After buying rolls and some pillows I have 10p in my bank account - which shouldn't be a problem since I now have an overdraft facility...

I applied for a standard account with overdraft facility last month, after I wasn't sure how I would pay for the repair of my motorbike - however my parents ended up paying and I now owe them near £500 at least. I feel awful. I don't want to be in this mess, it's so difficult to live off a part time job, even if half my rent gets paid. I seriously hope I'm allowed to do more hours and still get rent paid or this will be a genuine struggle that not even I can face head on.

The point to the story is - I couldn't withdraw money and I couldn't use my card - so therefore I assume I do not have an overdraft. This causes problems since I have a guest and even if we just eat the food I have, I will still need a good £100 for being out and about.

It's so depressing. I want to just enjoy the few 'me' and 'friends' times I have left without having no money or getting into debt with the bank or my parents. I can be sensible but only up till a point, I'm young, I'm not drinking (really starting to miss a nice glass of wine) yet my finace is just pittiful.

So I'm worried to say the least - I'm thrilled to have my friend here but I am anxious. I need to keep up my spending on the baby stuff or I won't have everything in time...at the same time, I need to eat, I need electric - and I still have an empty tank of oil. I will need at least one new bra pretty soon so that's at least another £20 probably.

I'm really starting to face that doing this alone is exceptionally difficult and emotionally draining. I get upset from being lonely (hormones not helping) and feeling a wierd, deep, unrequited love that just breaks my heart for feeling it.

I also worry a bit about my baby and hope that it's ok. I've had more dreams about losing it and some other nightmares probably just to do with the strain of doing this alone...

Awk I really don't meant to be so down. I know I'm lucky, everything could be a lot worse, and I'm so glad Annie is here with me.

But I don't feel I can really escape from any of this now, its like the crushing feeling on my lungs after a brisk walk and the pressure on my spine if I stand still for half an hour. There's nothing I can really do.

Just grin and bear it. Get on with it woman.

Mini-Appointment

Had my second midwife check-up today at 9 o'clock at the hospital (My GP booking were already full!). I think, from start to finish it took about 10 minutes, which I almost felt annoyed about having walked for half an hour to get to hospital - but at the end of the day, if everything is fine and nothing else is needed then I shouldn't complain at all :-)

Blood Pressure is still good (and still better than it was 2 or so months before this whole pregnancy started), urine checked out absolutely fine and I asked if they could look up why I'd been set a letter about needing ambigious 'treatment' in the form of nasty anti-biotics, despite my previous urine being fine also.

I've always had 'wee' issues, a few times when I've had to send off samples it's come back with what the doctors informed me were 'small proteins' but nothing to worry about. The hospital has interpreted these as a 'probably UTI' which I clearly do not have, since my fluid intakes are really high and I have no symptoms whatsoever. So good call on not taking the anti-biotics - I told my midwife I would happily take them if they were really important and that I was also provided some thrush medication (yes, wonderful as that is it's just what anti-biotics tend to do to me) but she didn't think it should be necessary. Hurray!

Then, best of all another one of my team of midwives got her doppler out and geled me so I could hear Ixxy's little heart beating for the first time! My baby is still in there! It sounded like rapid watery pulses and I sneaked a look at the BMP to check with the old wives tale predictions: 159 BMP, which puts me in little girl territory (is there is any truth in that whatsoever). It was enough to convince my Mum anyway, since it was true with me and my brother, she even called Ixxy a real name over the phone, which I almost can't process yet!

My next appointment, nicknamed 'the big scan' was rescheduled and now takes place on the 10th of August and it'll be wonderful to see him/her again. I wonder if it's still as hyper as before!

I feel very tranquil and relaxed, despite being unable to find anywhere open to sell me food at 9.30 in town. Silly 13th bank holiday that doesn't exsist...

:-D

Movement? Bump?

Ahhhh! A nice Saturday off, which in my opinion has been fairly spent (considering the insanely awful downpouring weather).

Firstly I would like to annouce that I am offically in maternity clothes. I had a bit of a panic/cry at work when my trousers arrived because I'd expected to be able to wear them straight away - my normal work trousers have been horribly uncomfortable for the last 2 weeks and I've been wearing old high-waisted black trousers that are stained with holes in the crotch (yes, like tramp trousers) which are uncomfortable as of this week. The reason for this (I assume) is because the ulterus is moving upwards and is no longer so low, so pressure in the middle of my tummy doesn't feel so good either. Anyway - the problem with the trousers provided by work is that they were long. Very, very long. I'm 5'7" so by no means short, I can wear 'long' length clothes and generally they are exceptable. These trousers came needing to be adjusted, properly hemmed - and after sitting on the floor in the admin office for 30 minutes with a stapler and a pair of scissor, I discovered that it would require a bit more professionism.

This led to me getting stupidly hormonal and upset that I had to spend 9 hours on my feet feeling really uncomfortable. I burst into tears and had to calm myself down in the toilets (no one saw me but when I went down and everyone said I looked upset I erupted into tears again...very embarressing.). My Co-ordinator, who although I disliked at first, is extremely supportive to pregnant women (for some utterly unknown reason) and tried to get me a pair of trousers from the sale floor (nice £35 of black pregnancy jeans) but eventually I met up with the lovely Helen from VM (Visual Merchandising) and she hemmed my trousers - Yay! I hate making a fuss but was glad that it got sorted :-)

At home I'm either in my painting clothes (Medium sized mans t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, covered in paint) or PJs basically. I have more maternity stuff coming but until then I'm trackin' it. Obviously in public I still wear jeans and a decent top, or if I have visitors.

So I am pretty sure I have a bump these days and I get little odd feelings late at night when I am relaxed and still - something between a twinge and a poke, which I'm hoping is the start of Ixxy kicking.

Baby this week is pencil lenght, bulked out to about the width of an avocardo. Eyes and ears are in place and its grip and sucking reflexes are developing (it can suck its thumb and grab the umbillical cord!) amazing, but also quite strange.

A lady at work was buying for a sister-in-law's premmie, who was born 3 months early at 4lbs. Madness, if I was three months early Ixxy could make an appearance as early as September! That's no time at all! :-S

Due to Zoe's demands I will try and blog more frequently. Guys, seriously get accounts so you can comment rather than me feeling like I'm writing to myself...

Am I writing to myself?

Oh well :-) x

Week 16 and Already Going Mad

Into week sixteen and I can gladly announce that the nursery is taking shape!

It's a lovely shade of fresh minty green, I've done the biggest wall completely (two coats of paint) and have the first coat done on the next one. I have made two little purchases which make me peculiarly ecstatic when in Ixxy's room.

Firstly, I was strolling down from the Housing Exectuative place when something caught my eye in a charity shop - it was a beautiful, musical, neutral mobile - for clipping onto the side of the crib. It's white and grey and plays 'Rockabye Baby' when you wind it up. I noticed the price - £8, and the brand - Mamas and Papas! You can easily pay £30 for a musical mobile of theres, and it turned out this one was actually brand new, never used. I absolutely LOVE it, I clipped it to the headrest on the bed currently in the nursery so it's displayed fully, and you can see it as soon as you walk in <3

There was another Mamas and Papas item I had noticed in my local baby store (literally a 5 minute walk from my front door!). I'd gone in to have a nosey before and found myself slightly overwelmed with the prams and carseats and decorations and toilet trainers and dummys and 'sock-on's...
But there was a lampshade I had seen that stuck in my head and made my heart leap a little. It was reduced down to £15 and was a beautiful design that I think goes lovely with my green walls :-). Today I bought it too, and put it up in the room, it makes me weirdly happy.

Overal I would recommend this 'nesting' as they call it, my brain is mostly just fuzz these days anyway so I don't feel like i've anymore to lose as such. I even sung to myself 'Ten Green Bottles' whilst painting, that's pretty looney - even for me.

Can you believe it took me the best part of an hour to remember what Feta Cheese was called? And I've been confusing 4 with 5 and coming into work early! Nightmare! And it's going to get worse when the baby is born I'm sure; I'll be lucky if I can remember my middle name - neverloan his/hers!

My weight is still exactly the same/less than before, but tummy looks like it did when I was nearly a stone heavier. Grrrr!

Lastly, I would like to say that the child keeps kicking my bladder with a due force and I rush off to the toilet a lot as a result when I don't really need it. Bad Ixxy! Oh, and that I would really, really, really like to have a poo.

PS. Here is my new shower curtain.

12 weeks 5 days Ultrasound

Well, this morning my 5" long pillow arrived - Hurrah! Hoepfully this will improve my comfortableness during sleeping.

The scan on friday was truely amazing - I wasn't expecting to see anything much (I'm a bit of an ultrasound cynic) but was excited regardless.

Apparently it helps if you have a full bladder, which I did not due to them insisting that I give them some wee-wee. I think nurses actually think you have two bladders.

So I took my belt off and my knickers were shuffled down just enough to see some nice pubes poking over the top - but I didn't care. She lubed up my stomach then pressed down with her scanner.

And there it was. Plain as day, something that (to my suprise) clearly resembled a baby. It was about 7cm long inside me and seemed keen on doing acrobatics and swimming about. I had no idea babies that small could move so much! It's really wierd that I can't feel him/her when he/she moves. It kicked it legs and seemed keen on swimming upside down, even the doctor was laughing! I couldn't speak, my eyes had the beginnings of some deep emotion that I am not sure I have felt before, and my mouth remained a little open though smiling.

Because I don't have a camera, or in fact anyway to get the scan picture onto the internet, I've decided to draw you a copy.



Try and imagine that looking more like an ultrasound picture and that's basically it. All looks good so far, if there are problems I should find out after the next scan.

I am quite excited now. :-)

And the Scan's in 2 days!

Sorry! It's been more than two weeks since my last post and quite a lot has happened. Firstly, I have decided that I really want a homebirth and started looking at purchasing a birthing pool. I had a fair idea of price before, around the £100 mark, but am really surprised to see that even second hand, they fetch about £70!

So I've decided, that instead of a birthing pool, I am going to buy a large paddling pool.



Doesn't that look friendly? The kind of pool you'd love to give birth in :-D, of course, I may still hire one but if the prices are near, then I'll go with a paddling pool.

Other news.

Alastair has moved out, which has bought we both peace and paranoia. The fact that he's not here means the toilet is always clean, the seat is down the window is closed, cat fur isn't EVERYWHERE. I scrubbed the bathroom crazily about two days ago and it's as clean as when we first moved it :-) I did the shower cable and the tiles and everything! (Something to my knowledge that Alastair never did on bathroom-cleaning duty). Got myself a hoover so that's todays task sorted!
However, at night I do get a little creepy feeling of young-woman-alone, I worry that people are watching the house, imagine the doorbell ringing at stupid times...it's very silly, but living alone requires some getting used too.

My scan is in two days, and I definately feel pregnant now. My belly is sticking out and I can't hold it in, at first I presumed that I'd gained weight since the main sickness had passed, but no! I'm the same weight...just with a sticky-out belly. Plum-sized Ixxy is starting to make an appearance already...next thing you know I'll be feeling it kick :-S

I have a bad feeling that I'm going to run out of money this month (not good) so it's sensible spending from here on in. (Sensible spening = just food.) I may start the "living off noodles and tinned soup" experiment.

I've taken a liking to fromage fois, but I seem to be only able to get the tiny kiddy pots, I'm munching my way through Thomas & Friends at the moment.

Here's an excellent wee chart I found which sums up pregnancy wants perfectly :-)



And finally, I'm starting to think about the Nursery. I'm thinking either Caterpillar or Owl themed, which a cool tree somewhere. Matthew thinks these are the two most frightening creatures I could put on the childs walls (except for tigers, which he is most frightened off) and instead suggested I have a gizzly bear and a polar bear fighting on one wall, and a parasitic wasp planting eggs into a caterpillar on the other. I think I'll stick with Owls. Big scary eyes or not!

A Worried Quicky

It's look like my idea of recieving emotional support from either of my potential fathers is non-exsistant.
Alastair confirmed yesterday that he wants nothing to do with the baby regardless if it is genetically his or not. He seemed adamant that if it was his, then he wouldn't be paying for it either - however I've explained that this is not optional.
Matthew told his mum about the pregnancy and I got a quick dash of convo today when he rang me at 9ish. I think his family is also encouraging him to stay uninvolved, despite him weighing the idea up repeatedly in his hands. I can't make a man want a child or love a child, I can only hope that someday, this baby will have a Dad. If not either of these men then someone I will potentially meet.

I got very depressed about the pregnancy this evening and had a little cry. I just so want to say to Ixxy "You're Daddy is an artist" or something to that affect. Not to say "you're Daddy didn't want you. You don't have a Daddy because he doesn't want to see you". That's what upset me, that and the idea of being a very lone parent on this journey.

I found tremendous comfort and happiness in the blog "Story of two Moms" which I am now stalking happily. Hearing about the couples joy for their triplets after two years of wanting to start a family is just amazing and it makes me appreciate how lucky I am.

The morning sickness is basically gone, occasionally brushing my teeth at night sets me off (which i'm sure is making a mash of my previously prefect teeth) but most food is good and I'm into salads and fruit again :-). (accept today when all I ate was a KFC, but that is generally not a great example of my current eating habits.)

Sleeping is getting worse, my back is really sore and I find myself tossing and turning in my sleep a lot. I have a lot of disturbing dreams, mainly about starting my period and/or miscarrying. Usually I'm not very emotional about it, but I did have a very traumatic one recently which upset me and made me check myself as soon as I woke up.

Lots of sexual dreams too, and generally the need of sex. I haven't had sex in nearly a month which is pretty close to the longest time ever since I became sexually active. My urges have returned, but my lack of partner means sex isn't really possible...

Another dream is the actual birth dream. Usually in my dream I have a boy, but in my most recent I produced twin girls. I remember being in a crowded room full of people I didn't know and they were all passing my girls around...and I got really upset and tried to put them back into their cot...

I've packed away Alastair's glasses and crockery, so the place is starting to feel more like mine...it's very strange, the concept of being on my own both alludes and upset me.

Anyway, that was a very quick and unstructured blog and I will do a better one really soon.

Promise!

Grey face, reusable nappies and junk food

I'm halfway through my tenth week of being pregnant, apparently my uterus is the size of a grapefruit and Ixxy nearly the size of a prune.

We have been having glorious weather, and I took advantage of it and visited my parents on Saturday. We talked really openly about baby stuff, Mum's main concern is me coping on my own for the first week, to which I explained that hopefully my wonderful Faye (and/or Emma in alternative shifts) will be staying with me at the start - to keep my spirits up and to support me while I adapt to demand feeding and sleep deprivation. Dad's main worry was money (men are always so practicle!) so I talked that through with him and showed him the finace book my midwife had given me - it shows on paper that I am entitled to rather a lot and he seemed happy with that.

Mum gave me a delicious meal in the evening and then got her knitting book out and went through all the baby cardigan designs (some of which me and Alex had worn) so I get to pick the wool and buttons and she's gonna make me lovely hand-knitted clothes! This made me get a little silly and spend a considerable amount of time cooing over the tiny little booties which had a pattern for, in my opinion they were a lot cuter than the booties at work.

Unfortunately, something had given me an awful headache and I downed some paracetamol to try and banish it. I started feeling really sick and in the end most of my delicious tea resurfaced :-(, this in itself isn't unusual, it was the state of my face afterwards that alarmed me.

Have you ever had a few blood vessels burst around your eyes when you've been sick? I've had it happen once before but never like this. I looked in the mirror and my entire face had turned grey (like a dead face) absolutely covered in tiny red pinpricks and brown ones near my chin. I looked like I was one of those old women that's clearly had too much sun (and they stick a UV light to her face and look at all the speckles?)



Something like that, accept not under UV, just in natural daylight. I had a old woman's face. Much makeup was used for a few days afterwards, it's nearly cleared up now.

I am having a few dietry problems in general, the main one being that I seem to only be able to stomach junk food. Fruit and veg have lost more or less all of their appeal and I find they make me sick, I usually really enjoy fresh food but Ixxy is determined that I'm not having any of it. I can still eate wholegrain cereal, which is a plus at least.

Me and Emma Blackson have found ourselves eating a lot of MacDonalds and KFC, I'm additionally having pizza in the evenings. My weight isn't going up (amazingly) but I don't like the idea of stuffing my feutus with junk food. I have spoken to a few of the ladies on BabyandBump.com and the general feedback is that a mummy with something her stomach is better than one with nothing - a lot of the girls are having the same problem, and second timers assure me that it'll probably pass by the end of the first trimester.

Lastly, I have found myself obsessed with reusable nappies. I have purchased two, which should be here this week. One Tot Bot Rainbow Bamboozle in yellow, which is velcro fixed (I wanted poppers, but the site was sold out and ended up getting a bargain on eBay instead) and a posh, totally gorgeous Blueberry nappy in the Lemon Lime colour. I may also get the Cow one and perhaps either Blue Summer or Pink Lemonade.

So all in all it's been an exciting week :-)

Taking my blood and putting me in

On the 19th I had my first pregnancy doctors appointment. I had to go down to the hospital for 2.15pm with some confusing instructions. On the phone my doctors receptionist had actually mentioned a scan - which I was suprised by being as I was about to turn 9 weeks, not 20 weeks.

Blackson arrived...hmm...later than I had desired but in the end we got there with a moment to spare. We went to the outpatients centre.

The receptionist started talking about me having a letter and was I sure the appointment was here. Of course I was sure! I had verbally beaten the receptionist on the phone to give me the correct information - there was no way I was wrong.

We were told to go to Maternity, so we dwindled over there at a steady speed. We were now two minutes over my appointment time.

Apart from getting a sneaky peek of the maternity ward nothing became of the visit. There was a mix up, we had to get to my GPs across town. We threw on our capes and got back into Cassius (a studly yellow peugeot 107)

Before driving to the next destination.

By the time we got there and paid for parking we were roughly about twenty minutes late. The Red Team Midwifes were waiting for us.

I then got all the infomation, that I would've liked to have got as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Folic Acid talk, diet talk, what you can and can't eat. Luckily, I have the internet and am not an idiot, which means I'd already found out all this information. If I was an idiot, and didn't have the internet I could've been munching raw eggs and sharks, drinking vast quantities of alcohol and decided to take up smoking.

Why do you have to wait 3 weeks to find out the basics?

However, it's not all bad. They took five vials of my blood to test for lots of things and were nice enough to take the blood out of my hand and not out of the back of my elbow (I have severe screamishness about this due to a doctor once failing to find a vein and stabbing the soft fatty tissue repeatedly), so I answered a load of health questions - some of which I tried to make out that I could answer (Yes, my Nanna has type one diabetes - No just you or your parents etc) but I have to admit that aside from my weight I'm pretty darn healthy which puts me at a Low Risk Pregnancy.

My mind is already ticking, wondering if I can have a home birth (and hire some Gas and Air from a dentist). I'm sure nothing beats a warm paddling pool in your longue when it comes to popping a baby out through your vagina.

I was informed I would get a letter for my first (actual) hospital scan appointment. It came through this morning and is the 18th of June, another long wait. -sigh- And my midwife didn't take into account my not-knowing-when-I-got-pregnant story, and is just going from my last period - putting me at 11 weeks and due date 8th December. This is at least four weeks out (at minimum) but this should get resolved when I have my scan.

Delightful, I will blog soon.

Massive Upbeat Blog

Today, and in fact most of the days since I last blogged - have been good days. Since my horrendous sicking episode my hormones appeared to have calmed, Ixxy the embryo is clearly more settled in it's ways and isn't bothering its poor mother so much.

The deathly awful tiredness seems to have completely dried up - week 6 was such a strain, whereas now I find I have to force myself to get enough rest. I found a 5" pillow on ebay that I find myself fantastising about while restless and uncomfortable in the early hours of the morning. It's only £15 including delivery, I should probably just get it.

The idea behind the pillow is that you can hug it, put your head on it and put it inbetween your legs - which is basically how I'm sleeping at the moment with my duvet. When I get a bump, the internet tells me that I'll be wanting to sleep like this even more so I should probably listen.

Dominos pizza is still about the only thing I can consistantly keep down, and I don't seem to have got ill effects from it (i.e constipation, which I've had already while eating the most balanced meals I've ever had). Last night I managed half a large pizza (I can usually wolf a whole one without too much problem) and was delightfully full which helped me sleep. It was half double cheese, tomato and pineapple and half single cheese, mushrooms, tomatos and olives. Yum!

My weight I haven't been keeping too closer eye on, but it was 14.1 this morning and I usually gain a couple of pounds just by eating a pizza (I wish someone would explain to me how that's even possible) it still puts me at an 8-9 pound loss overall, but I reckon it was sitting more 13.13 before I managed to keep all this delicious food down.

I apoligise for the lenght of this blog but their are so many things happening - Ixxy is the size of a rapsberry and we are going in for a scan on wednesday. It has a heartbeat (unbelievably) which me and my friend might be able to see/hear on a moniter! I will blog that day anyhoo.

Alastair has decided he's moving out but the two of us are still on remarkably good terms, he's being very supportive despite deciding within himself that the child isn't his. I do wish him well, but I will need the other room, and it seems unfair to make him support me through a pregnancy he may not have even caused.

I'm a lot less stressed on my own. I have a baby care audio CD which is really good and is definiately letting me think that I made the right decision. I hope I did.

Motion Sickness Bands Fail

I'm currently in my 8th week of pregnancy and am expriencing extreme pregnancy sickness. Yesterday I went and got some of these bands, which are meant to help motion sickness, seasickness and morning sickness (explaining to my unaware work collegues why I was wearing them took some waffling).

I have seen a lot of sites that recommend these for help with morning sickness so this isn't me just making up some obscure myth and sticking with it - this is probably semi-factual.

Yesterday I stuck the bands on straight away and went around to my parents house where I ate a very decent portion of food without feeling sick once. I was fine all evening so kept the bands on.

My sickness basically doesn't allow me to eat or in fact desire food - so I was very grateful for the meal. I fell asleep still wearing the bands after getting a bit nauseous last thing at night, I was looking forward to eating food and drinking drink again without having to vomit everytime there was (or wasnt) something in my stomach.

Today was a different matter though.

I was sick twice after breakfast before leaving for work, and just an hour into work and I'd made four trips to my sick-toilet, and nearly hurled into a sink in the corridor. The bands had no effect. I kept down a bit of breakfast (I think) but was starving when I finished my shift. I removed the bands (which have left rather substantial ugly indents in my wrists) and proceeded to eat an egg and watercress sandwhich and a chocolate bar before heading home.

I have been sick so many times today that my stomach feels bruised inside. I want the burn the usless bands but will continue wearing them regardless. Even if there is a slim chance they will repress the sickness slightly then they are worth wearing - I'm having a hard time with it.

Anyway, I'm going to have to have a nap now (early pregnancy is stupidly tiring) then will maybe review this later and work on a decent skin for my blog.

Lifes Current Structure

I always said, that if I did at pregnant when I was young age completely unplanned - then I would blog about it.

On the 29th of April 2010 I arrived home from my little trip of England. I'd been wanting to have a holiday away from Alastair (my ex-partner/boyfriend) and to get to see some of my friends' universities, staying in halls etc.

After the Volcanic Ash had its turn in shaking up my planned travel I somehow managed to get to Dublin at 7am on the off chance that I 'might' get onto a packed ferry, which I did.

During the holiday I spent a staggering 20 hours on coaches (which I discovered are a hell of a lot cheaper than trains) and visited Derby, Norwich, London and Falmouth.

I ran out of money twice, slept with my ex (more than twice) and did a load of young, studentish things - which I am now extremely grateful for - as it looks likely that I will never stay in halls and be that kind of student.

I had suffered bloating/sickness for most of my holiday and was a bit confused that I didn't get my period (I had missed one, and had taken a test - which was negative - two weeks later). I thought nothing of it, I was stressed, I was on the minipill and all these things can affect your monthly cycle.

After missing two periods (something which has happened once before with no ultimate consequence) I decided I would take another test, so did so after returning home and finding the house empty.

It was instantly positive.

I've seen a lot of pregnancy tests, not because I have unprotected sex (I do not, as a rule) but because knowing that I'm not pregnant stops me worrying and brings on my period if it is late.
Usually I pee and I wait, and I watch the test line show up, wait a bit more, then bin it.

This time a line started to become visible far lower than I had expected and I started to shake. I was terrified and instantly rang my friend to try and calm myself down. She suggested I take another test.

Another instant positive.

So over the last 10 days I’ve been coming to terms with the idea of becoming a Mum at 21, I've developed a less-than-pleasing life structure which involves watching lots of 4od, eating a little, sicking a little and working occasionally.

I have a dedicated toilet at work for being sick into. At some point I will try and get a picture and talk in length about this beloved object of mine (no sick in picture).

It's also worth mentioning that I have no idea how the method of birth control failed and that I do not know who the father of my child is.

So, I'll keep you posted.