Annie is here! + Panics

I'm very happy that my loneliness and over-emotionalness has been lifted on the arrival of one of my best friends - who is brilliantly staying with me for the week :-)

Today was a typical Annie and Emma day, we had hot chocolate, ate sausages and watched lots of computer tele. She was knackered from her flight and I was a little bit breathless just from the walk so it was good to have a day of just relaxing before the nursery painting starts tomorrow.

Of course, usually there is a problem when me and Annie meet up. I'm either ill or have no money and today was no exception. After buying rolls and some pillows I have 10p in my bank account - which shouldn't be a problem since I now have an overdraft facility...

I applied for a standard account with overdraft facility last month, after I wasn't sure how I would pay for the repair of my motorbike - however my parents ended up paying and I now owe them near £500 at least. I feel awful. I don't want to be in this mess, it's so difficult to live off a part time job, even if half my rent gets paid. I seriously hope I'm allowed to do more hours and still get rent paid or this will be a genuine struggle that not even I can face head on.

The point to the story is - I couldn't withdraw money and I couldn't use my card - so therefore I assume I do not have an overdraft. This causes problems since I have a guest and even if we just eat the food I have, I will still need a good £100 for being out and about.

It's so depressing. I want to just enjoy the few 'me' and 'friends' times I have left without having no money or getting into debt with the bank or my parents. I can be sensible but only up till a point, I'm young, I'm not drinking (really starting to miss a nice glass of wine) yet my finace is just pittiful.

So I'm worried to say the least - I'm thrilled to have my friend here but I am anxious. I need to keep up my spending on the baby stuff or I won't have everything in time...at the same time, I need to eat, I need electric - and I still have an empty tank of oil. I will need at least one new bra pretty soon so that's at least another £20 probably.

I'm really starting to face that doing this alone is exceptionally difficult and emotionally draining. I get upset from being lonely (hormones not helping) and feeling a wierd, deep, unrequited love that just breaks my heart for feeling it.

I also worry a bit about my baby and hope that it's ok. I've had more dreams about losing it and some other nightmares probably just to do with the strain of doing this alone...

Awk I really don't meant to be so down. I know I'm lucky, everything could be a lot worse, and I'm so glad Annie is here with me.

But I don't feel I can really escape from any of this now, its like the crushing feeling on my lungs after a brisk walk and the pressure on my spine if I stand still for half an hour. There's nothing I can really do.

Just grin and bear it. Get on with it woman.