A Worried Quicky

It's look like my idea of recieving emotional support from either of my potential fathers is non-exsistant.
Alastair confirmed yesterday that he wants nothing to do with the baby regardless if it is genetically his or not. He seemed adamant that if it was his, then he wouldn't be paying for it either - however I've explained that this is not optional.
Matthew told his mum about the pregnancy and I got a quick dash of convo today when he rang me at 9ish. I think his family is also encouraging him to stay uninvolved, despite him weighing the idea up repeatedly in his hands. I can't make a man want a child or love a child, I can only hope that someday, this baby will have a Dad. If not either of these men then someone I will potentially meet.

I got very depressed about the pregnancy this evening and had a little cry. I just so want to say to Ixxy "You're Daddy is an artist" or something to that affect. Not to say "you're Daddy didn't want you. You don't have a Daddy because he doesn't want to see you". That's what upset me, that and the idea of being a very lone parent on this journey.

I found tremendous comfort and happiness in the blog "Story of two Moms" which I am now stalking happily. Hearing about the couples joy for their triplets after two years of wanting to start a family is just amazing and it makes me appreciate how lucky I am.

The morning sickness is basically gone, occasionally brushing my teeth at night sets me off (which i'm sure is making a mash of my previously prefect teeth) but most food is good and I'm into salads and fruit again :-). (accept today when all I ate was a KFC, but that is generally not a great example of my current eating habits.)

Sleeping is getting worse, my back is really sore and I find myself tossing and turning in my sleep a lot. I have a lot of disturbing dreams, mainly about starting my period and/or miscarrying. Usually I'm not very emotional about it, but I did have a very traumatic one recently which upset me and made me check myself as soon as I woke up.

Lots of sexual dreams too, and generally the need of sex. I haven't had sex in nearly a month which is pretty close to the longest time ever since I became sexually active. My urges have returned, but my lack of partner means sex isn't really possible...

Another dream is the actual birth dream. Usually in my dream I have a boy, but in my most recent I produced twin girls. I remember being in a crowded room full of people I didn't know and they were all passing my girls around...and I got really upset and tried to put them back into their cot...

I've packed away Alastair's glasses and crockery, so the place is starting to feel more like mine...it's very strange, the concept of being on my own both alludes and upset me.

Anyway, that was a very quick and unstructured blog and I will do a better one really soon.

Promise!